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February 03 Nikki's journal 2/3/08Hello everyone! I have had a great week! I lost 2.4 lbs. this week! I finally got past my gain at the beginning of January. I knew I could do it. Just got to make sure I stay on track.
We all need to applaude Ashleen for sticking to her new lifestyle and getting through one of the toughest times she will have to go through in her weight loss! She is doing so well! I love you Ash! Good Job!
So, I don't have much to say about this week. Only that I am so glad the Wedding Fair is over for the year! Now I can relax a bit and get some rest!!
Have a great week everyone and stay on track!!!!!!
Love to all,
Nikki February 01 Ashleen's Journal, January 31,2008Hi Everyone! I want to start this blog by thanking you for all the support you showed me last week when I was feeling pretty down. You all rock, and your words really really helped me!
So I didn't write about my weight last week. I wanted to make sure I knew what it meant to me before I tried t tell all of you about it. After my breakdown last Sunday/Monday, I cried for hours and ended up going to be around 1 pm. I was supposed to get up and go to my WW meeting at 5, but I also had to work a graveyard shift after my meeting, and I couldn't go to work on 3 hours of sleep. So I slept through WW. I got up all puffy-eyed and went to work and read all of your awesome comments. It really made me feel a lot better. WW is closed of Tue, so I had to wait untill Wed to go. I went on Wed, weighed in and stayed for the meeting. I am so proud of myself for sticking to my promise to attend a meeting everyweek, no matter what. I actually lost weight! I proved to myself that if I got back on track, and didn't dwell on my pit falls, then I would keep moving forward. I lost .8 lbs.
So this week wasn't quite the victory that last week turned out to be. I did well tracking my points again for the first few days. Then I started to slack off and stopped taking the time to write things down. I stepped on the scale on Monday, only 5 days since my previous weigh in, and had GAINED! MORE THAN 2LBS!!! 2.2 to be exact. It was a punch in the gut that I knew I deserved. I really needed to look inside and find that part of me that knows that I need help, and I can't do this on my own. So I started tracking for real this time. I have tracked every little thing that has passed over my lips this week, and I can already feel a huge diffrence in mind, body and spirit. I've stayed on track and I'm re-realizing all of these things I had forgotten. It's not that hard to decide ahead of time how much I'm going to eat and stick to it. I really don't like fast food much anyway, and I'm not that crazy about fried stuff either. And I really love veggies! I always have, but I forget about them sometimes.
OH I ALMOST FORGOT!!! I got my 16 weeks award from WW last week. For those of you that dont know, the 16 week award is given out after you've been an active member for 16 weeks, because research shows that if you stick with it for 16 weeks, you will stick with it for life. I am SO PROUD of myself! I have never stuck to any lifestyle change like this. 4 months! I've kept jobs for shorter periods of time than that! I know all they way through my being, that I am going to reach my goal, and live a long and happy life because of it! Yay, me!
-Ashleen (1/2 of the Magick Losers) January 28 Nikki's week Jan. 28, 2008Hello. Sorry I didn't post the other day like I said I would. Its been another hectic week. So I lost 2.8 lbs and am only .2 lbs away from where I started in this million pound challenge. This has been another good week for me. I have stayed in my point limit everyday and only used some of my allowence points. I hope everybody has a great week. Hang in there! The outcome is worth it! Love to all, Nikki January 22 Nikki this weekHello everyone. I have been such a slacker this week. Its been a good week for me, but I've been busy with work. So last week I lost 1 lb. Only 3 to go to get to my starting weight for this competition. I weigh in tomorrow and will let you all know my weight. I can't wait to let you all know cuz it has been a great week. No time to junk out. That is a good thing about bringing work home. So I hope you all have a great week and I will let you know tomorrow what my out come is.
Blessed Be,
Nikki January 21 Ashleen's Journal, January 21, 2008I am weak, weak weak weaky weak weak! And I'm crying. And I'm crying because I'm weak. I don't like myself at all right now. I don't know why I binge, but I did.
I came home from work tonight at 3, and I was going to have a sugar free pudding cup, which fits in perfectly with my plan. But the pudding cups had been left out on the stove since before I went to work at 5, and since then Ben cooked a pizza. It is so rediculus, but this seriously dissapointed me! Why after months and months of trying so hard to break the sick, emotional dependancy on food, does it come flying back at me over a sugar free pudding cup? How is it that I can go to my favorite chinese resturant and order the chicken and brocolli and not upset that its not deep-fried almond chicken, but a stupid pudding cup brings me down? I just don't understand.
When I started typing this blog I said I didn't know why I binged. I still don't know the reason I'm emotionally addicted to food, but I do know now why I binged tonight. I was trying to fill the void I felt was left by not being able to eat the pudding cup. So I had 1/4 of Ben's left over pizza, a WW ice cream cone, a WW english toffee bar, and about 1/8 of a bag of potato chips. And really the only reason I stopped was because I didn't want to get up and cook anything.
There is a really big part of me right now that thinks maybe I'm not strong enough for this yet. Maybe I still am not ready to put in the effort its going to take to kill the emotional eating monster. I don't know. I want so badly to be healthy! I am so afraid that if I don't stop this now, I never will, and I'll never be able to raise a healthy happy family. How am I someday supposed to expect my kids to go out and play, when I can't play with them? How can I expect Ben to control his demmons and take care of himself, if I can't do the same?
I don't want to be controlled by food, but I also don't want to have to consciously control food either. I wish I knew how to just be happy and healty without having to think aobut food all the time. I think what a lot of people don't realize is that an eating disorder can be more than starving yourself. A really close friend of mine spent 4 months in an in-patient treatment facillity for anorexia last year, and I've watched how food has just controlled her life. Saturday was her birthday, and we went out to a really expensive resturant to celebrate. I watched as she struggled to figure out her food choices, knowing that she will never be "better" only "recovering." The thing is I was stuggling over my own food choices. While she was desprately trying to figure out how to reach all of the dietary guidelines she needs to consume without actually consuming much, I was trying to figure out how to consume as much food as I could without exceeding my guidelines. I don't want to have to do that forever, but I know I'm going to have to. I'm never going to be able to just eat whatever I want, whenever I want unless I can totally remove the emotional connection food brings me.
I have no idea how to do this!
Tomorrow I weigh-in. I don't even care what the scale says tomorrow. I already know how I feel I've done this week, and its not good. So no matter what the scale says, thats what is going to stick with me. Even if I loose tomorrow, I know its not because I tried, or any victory. I'll know it was a fluke, and I still let myself down. I hate how I feel after I binge, so why do I keep doing it? What do I get from it? Nothing but even further damaged self-esteem. Grr.
Well, I should probably go to bed, so I can get up and get back on track. I know this has been a bummer blog, but it's also feels really good to work through these emotions online. Thanks for taking an intrest in my tears.
-Ashleen (Magick Loser) January 18 Ashleen's Journal, January 17 2008I've been putting off this blog since monday...and I'm not really sure why. Well I don't have much good weight loss news this week, but I'm still surprised that I'm not wanting to talk about it, because every other step of the way, even during the bad weeks, all I've been able to talk about was weight loss.
Anyway, this week I didn't loose anything. Not even an once. But at least I didn't gain.
I think maybe the reason I'm more upset about my weight doing nothing this week than I am when I gain is because I'm afraid I'm getting comfortable. This is NOT a good thing. It took me a really long time to get my mind and heart into weight loss, and I'm afraid of loosing that. I feel so much better than I did 13lbs ago, and I love looking at myself in the mirror again, but I need to keep reminding myself that THIS IS NOT AS GOOD AS I GET!!! I know I didn't try as hard this week, and I know I wasn't thinking "I will splurge right now and get right back on track." What I was thinking was "You've done so well, maybe you don't need to be so strict with yourself." Not a good way to think at this point in the game! So I started tracking again this week. Which is really good. I havn't kept a close track of my points for about 2 months, and I know thats what I need to get me back on track. Plus I've broken so many promises to myself that I'm starting to not trust me anymore. I need to remember that I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing this for Ben who wants to grow old with his wife. I'm doing this for the children to whom I could give so much love. I'm doing this for my dreams. I'm doing this because I HAVE TO. I have made the decision to live a long and happy life, and unless I change gears and get on the right track, then I won't be able to do that. And that would just be another broken promise to myself. Hopefully this week goes better. I am back to trying hard, and I remember whats at risk if I quit. So here's to those who forget their importance: May you always remember that the world does not revolve around or for you, but with you. -Ashleen- Magick Loser
January 10 Nikki's weigh in this weekHelo everyone! So Ashleen had an amazing week and I didn't do so well. I gained a bit this week. 4 lbs. actually. :( As Ashleen said I was bowling this weekend and I had bit too much to drink. A lot to drink! I had a blast though! I bowled like crap and didn't even care! I did learn my lesson though. I won't do that agian. I promise!!!! I hope everyone has a great week! Talk to you soon, Nikki
January 09 Ashleen's Journal, January 8th, 2008I'm going to start this entry off with my awesome weight loss this week. 1.2 lbs from thursday to monday!!! I'm now at 209.8 lbs. I have no idea the last time I was that low! Yay, me!
So other than my awesome weigh in monday, the past few days have been pretty interesting. Saturday night I went out to dinner with my sister and a friend of ours. Nikki was supposed to come too, but she was bowling (which is awesome, because she was being active and I was caving in to cravings...) We tried a new italian resturant in town, and its awesome! I've been really great since I started WW and not had alfredo of any kind, but I decided it was worth it too me this night. I had the most wonderful, buttery, not good for me at all, creamy alfredo w/ peas, mushrooms, bacon and prosciutto. And I washed that down with a glass of wine and followed it with cheesecake... I know, bad Ashleen. BUT I only ate 1/3 of my alfredo, gave 1/3 away to the others at the table, and took the last 1/3 home to Ben. I also shared my cheesecake with my sister. So overall, even though I ordered an insanely rich, fatty meal I still controlled my portions and managed to walk away feeling full, not stuffed and disgusting. I can really see that I've made HUGE steps towards a healthy lifestyle, because just 14 weeks ago, if I had that huge bowl of amazing alfredo in front of me I would have eaten the entire bowl, even though I would start to feel sick, just because I wanted to savor every last drop of it. I even managed to not pick at my plate once I decided I was done and still had to wait for the server to come and offer me a box. For this I am super proud of myself, because I never have a problem pushing the food away, but I do have a problem putting the fork down and keeping it there. I went home from dinner and ended up unexpectedly babysitting a two year old. She actually turned out to be the best behaved two year old I've ever encountered and it was pretty easy. We both ended up crashing during Ratatouille and curled up on the couch and fell asleep untill her mom came to pick her up. So I did end up burning off a few of my alfredo calories... I wonder what my weight loss would have been if I hadn't ordered the alfredo? Honestly, it doesn't really matter to me, because I realize it was a treat and I still lost IN SPITE OF not EVEN WITH that splurge. Last night I had something really interesting happen to me. I got to take my first ambulance ride. It was so embarrassing having my coworker page out the ambulance to come get me at work... What happened was I passed out and hit my head on the floor because somehow I stimulated my vagal nerve and that caused my blood pressure to drop really really fast, and caused me to loose conciousness. I was rushed to the ER and checked out by drs for about 4 hours. It was crazy. But they assure me everything is fine, and its very common to have this happen. And aside from a knot on each side of my head, and a persistant headache, I've fully recovered! I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend, and good luck this week! -Ashleen- Magick Loser January 07 Our GoalsOne thing we havn't done so far is establish our goals on this page. So here they are:
Nikki's Goals:
Weight at the begining of the competition: 217.8 lbs
Goal by the end of the competition 3/11/08: 200 lbs
Personal goal: 155-170 lbs
Ashleen's Goals:
Weight at the begining of the competition: 211 lbs
Goal by the end of the competition 3/11/08: 190 lbs
Personal goal: 114-135 lbs
Team Goals:
Weight at the begining of the competition: 428.8 lbs
Goal by the end of the competition 3/11/08: 390 lbs
Personal goal: 269-305 lbs
There you have it, our weight loss goals. We didn't enter this competition to loose an extreme ammount of weight. We entered the Biggest Loser Million Pound Match-Up to document the weight loss journey we were already on. It's not our final destination, just a stop along the way!
Posted some picturesHey everyone! I posted some (depressing) photos in "Ashleens Photos" for you guys to see what I'm working with. I have to say it was really terrifying thinking about exposing myself like that to the whole world. But I realized that if anyone on the internet understood what it was like, and wouldn't look at the photos and see a nasty mess, it would be you guys! We are all in this together!
-Ashleen Nikk's weight loss blogHello there! I finally got the time to sit down and tell my story!
Let me start with my weight gain and then I will tell you my weight loss.
I will start at the beginning of my weight gain. I had my 1st child when I was only 16. It is tough for a child to having a child of her own. Thank God I had my parents to help me out. I couldn't have done it without them. I got pre eclampsia with her and gained 50 lbs. with her. I weighed 155 lbs. when I got pregnant with her. I weighed 205 when I delivered her and 180 after I delivered her. I stayed that weight for about 3 years and then I lost a bit by eating better and got down to about 170. I then quit smoking when I was 20 years old and gained a bunch of weight over night. I finally stopped gaining at 220 lbs. I stayed at that weight for a long time. I didn't gain more weight until just after my wedding in 2003 when we tried to get pregnant and couldn't. I went on fertility drugs and gained 40 lbs. in 3 months. But we got pregnant and that is all that mattered. I told myself that it was only temporary and that I would get it off soon. Little did I know that we were in for the hardest thing in the world to go through. At 17 weeks along we lost our baby and all HELL broke loose in my life. I gained about another 30 lbs. So I was then at a wopping 278 lbs. I had no idea how big I was. I knew how much I weighed, but not how big I was.
Now I will tell you about how I am losing it. 2 summers ago I participated in the Relay For Life. I walked 10 miles that night. Quite a feat when you weigh 278 lbs. I think the 10 miles was the start of my weight loss. That same summer we were trying to by this wonderful house we live in now. Let me tell you it was a nightmare. We ended up moving 3 times that summer. It is amazing how fast youan lose weight when you work out. I ened up losing 40 lbs that summer. I felt so good. I gained a bit back, but it was still a loss. I finally endedupa a 23 lb. loss. The end of this summer a couple of my friends were starting Weight Watchers and asked me to join with them. I said yes of course. That was on my daughters 13 Birhday. Is that a coincidence? I think not. So I went and have lost 37.2 lbs since then end of August. My total loss so far is 60.2 lbs. I feel like a new woman. I weigh less now then I did when I got pregnant with my 2nd child. Who is 6 now. It is so cool to fit into clothes I haven't worn in years. It is amazing to be able to keep up with my kids and not get tired from it. They are happy to have me back.
To all of you stuggling to lose weight and live again, I hope you read my story and know that there is hope for you. You can learn to live healthy and happy. Remember that you are never on a diet it is a LIVEIT!!!! January 05 I havn't figured out how to edit my blogs...So I don't know how to edit my blogs, but I realized today that my measurements didnt make it into my first blog. It just says "my measurements when I started were..." and then doesn't list them. So here they are, my measurements when I started WW in October 2007:
Right Upper Arm: 14.5''
Waist: 40"
Hips: 49"
Right Thigh: 29"
Breasts: 45"
Neck: 15.25"
My "Pooch" 8" (This is a measurement I just took for myself. Most people wouldn't measure it, but it's the one spot on my body that I always hated more than the others. I measured from the base of my "pooch" to the top where my fat roll blended into my stomach.)
My measurements at 8 weeks were as follows:
Right Upper Arm: 14.5"
Waist: 37" (yep, thats a three inch loss, baby!)
Hips: 47"
Right Thigh: 28"
Breasts: 44.5"
Neck: 14.5"
Pooch: 7" (this inch means the most to me!)
So writting these down made me want to take my current measurements. So here they are, my measurements today:
Right Upper Arm: 14.5"
Waist: 36.5"
Hips: 46.5"
Right Thigh: 28"
Breasts: 44" (My boobs are shrinking! *tear)
Neck: 14"
Pooch: 6" (One more inch down! YAY!!!)
I'm also trying to find more pictures of myself to post. Problem is I've been avoiding having my picture taken for so long because I hate the way I look. So pictures are on their way, there just might not be that many older ones.
Hope you all have an awesome weekend!
Ashleen- Magick Loser
January 04 Ashleen's Journal, January 4th 2007I went to the early bird meeting Thursday morning for WW, and I LOST THE ENTIRE 5LBS I GAINED OVER XMAS IN ONE WEEK!!!! Yay, me! I didn't realize what a huge diffrence it would make to acknowledge that I was in control of gaining, I made that decision, and I could use decide to use that control to get back on track. I know a lot of this stuff is basic, bone-head, Duh? kind of stuff, it's still something that I'm accepting as a fact that matters to me.
I'm going to be changing the look of this page a bit, which makes me sad because I really love how beautiful it is (and no one but Nikki and I have even seen this page as of yet...) Nik and I have decided to enter "The Biggest Losers Million Pound Match-up" and this requires us to change a few things about the page. It will still be the same content, just a diffrent look. I hope you like it.
So today is my day off, and I have tomorrow off, too! This rocks because I virtually never get two days off in a row. I tend to be a work-a-holic. Nikki and I are going to get together and take some photos so that we can show all of you our hot sexy selves. Take advantage of our rockin bodies while you can, because there's going to be a whole lot less of them soon!
Hope you all have an awesome Friday! January 03 Ashleen's Journal, January 2nd, 2008January 2, 2008
I started this webpage with Nikki tonight in hopes of inspiring and helping others find the motivation they need to loose weight. Tonight I want to let the world see a little bit more about the journey I've started.
I've tried for years to loose weight. I've never been able to stick to a diet, and I've always looked for a quick fix. (Even for one week resorting o a pickle and laxative diet a "friend" suggested, yuck!) But despite all of this, my weight kept climbing. I started to realize that at this weight I wasn't going to be able to live the life I wanted if I can't even climb one flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. My friends and family were even begining to fear for the direction I was taking, yet I still hadn't realized the severity of it all. One night while out dancing with my boyfriend, he leaned over to me while we were out on the dance floor and said "I really want you to start to get healthy, because I want a family with you." That really stuck with me.
Then Nikki joined Weight Watchers and was loving it. I saw that she was still able to go out and eat at all the places we love to eat, she was able to live her life without counting every calorie, and was still losing weight! She was becoming more and more beautiful everyday, and I wanted that! So in October 2007 I joined Weight Watchers.
Since joining WW I have lost 12 pounds a few .2lbs at a time! It doesn't seem like a lot of weight from my 223 pound figure, but 12 pounds equals 48 Quarter Pounders or 48 sticks of butter! Gross! On Christmas I got nothing but compliments about how much weight I've lost, yet it's sometimes hard for me to see the diffrence. It's weird, but little things have become apparent to me. I can lace my fingers together more tightly than I can ever remember doing. A brand new hair tie doesn't cut deeply into my wrist. And I can almost cross my legs at the knees!
Over the holidays I did gain 5lbs. I was dissapointed, but at the same time I had almost "Planned a Gain" as they would say in WW. I knew that I was working an incredible ammount of hours (over 140 in 2 weeks) and that my sleep would be cut down. I was running around during the time I should have been sleeping trying to make everything perfect fo the holidays. But I didn't cry when I stepped on the scale. I smiled because I knew that I had controled this, and it would only take a diffrent kind of control to turn it back around.
It's almost 2 am, and I'm at work now. I'm going to the Thursday early bird WW meeting at 7 because my Monday meeting was cancelled (for New Years Eve, it was also this way for Xmas Eve.) I'm really excited about going and weighing in because I know that I've lost this week. I can feel myself reversing the gain I had last week, even just in small ways. Oh! I've also started walking from the basement where our center is to the fourth floor of the courthouse every night I work at least once. It's 100 stairs up, 5 stories, and one hell of a workout for someone as out of shape as I am!
Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Feel free to contat me anytime, and if you keep writting them, I'll keep writting them!
Love, Ashleen - Magick Loser
Welcome to Nikki and Ashleen's Weight Loss Journey!Hi! Thank you for visiting our page. Hopefull it will inspire others to make the same changes we are!
My name is Ashleen. I'm 21 years old and live in beautiful Missoula, MT, with my boyfriend, roomate and two iguanas. I have struggled with my weight since middle school, but have really let myself go since graduating high school in 2004. I'm 5'3 and have always been curvy. I joined Weight Watchers in October 2007 at my peak weight of 223 pounds, with a BMI of 39.5. (Obesity is considered any BMI over 30) I had a "RealAge" of 28.7 years old, and was expected to continue to age faster than my years. My measurements when I began were as follows:
(To calculate your BMI go to http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/ and to calculate your "Real Age" go to www.realage.com)
Thanks so much to my best friend Nikki for getting me to join Weight Watchers and change all of this! |
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