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Magick Losers Million Pound Match-Up*TEAM STARTING WEIGHT 428.8 LBS* Learining to rock what the Goddess gave us! *TEAM GOAL 390 LBS BY 3/11/08* |
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February 03 Nikki's journal 2/3/08Hello everyone! I have had a great week! I lost 2.4 lbs. this week! I finally got past my gain at the beginning of January. I knew I could do it. Just got to make sure I stay on track.
We all need to applaude Ashleen for sticking to her new lifestyle and getting through one of the toughest times she will have to go through in her weight loss! She is doing so well! I love you Ash! Good Job!
So, I don't have much to say about this week. Only that I am so glad the Wedding Fair is over for the year! Now I can relax a bit and get some rest!!
Have a great week everyone and stay on track!!!!!!
Love to all,
Nikki February 01 Ashleen's Journal, January 31,2008Hi Everyone! I want to start this blog by thanking you for all the support you showed me last week when I was feeling pretty down. You all rock, and your words really really helped me!
So I didn't write about my weight last week. I wanted to make sure I knew what it meant to me before I tried t tell all of you about it. After my breakdown last Sunday/Monday, I cried for hours and ended up going to be around 1 pm. I was supposed to get up and go to my WW meeting at 5, but I also had to work a graveyard shift after my meeting, and I couldn't go to work on 3 hours of sleep. So I slept through WW. I got up all puffy-eyed and went to work and read all of your awesome comments. It really made me feel a lot better. WW is closed of Tue, so I had to wait untill Wed to go. I went on Wed, weighed in and stayed for the meeting. I am so proud of myself for sticking to my promise to attend a meeting everyweek, no matter what. I actually lost weight! I proved to myself that if I got back on track, and didn't dwell on my pit falls, then I would keep moving forward. I lost .8 lbs.
So this week wasn't quite the victory that last week turned out to be. I did well tracking my points again for the first few days. Then I started to slack off and stopped taking the time to write things down. I stepped on the scale on Monday, only 5 days since my previous weigh in, and had GAINED! MORE THAN 2LBS!!! 2.2 to be exact. It was a punch in the gut that I knew I deserved. I really needed to look inside and find that part of me that knows that I need help, and I can't do this on my own. So I started tracking for real this time. I have tracked every little thing that has passed over my lips this week, and I can already feel a huge diffrence in mind, body and spirit. I've stayed on track and I'm re-realizing all of these things I had forgotten. It's not that hard to decide ahead of time how much I'm going to eat and stick to it. I really don't like fast food much anyway, and I'm not that crazy about fried stuff either. And I really love veggies! I always have, but I forget about them sometimes.
OH I ALMOST FORGOT!!! I got my 16 weeks award from WW last week. For those of you that dont know, the 16 week award is given out after you've been an active member for 16 weeks, because research shows that if you stick with it for 16 weeks, you will stick with it for life. I am SO PROUD of myself! I have never stuck to any lifestyle change like this. 4 months! I've kept jobs for shorter periods of time than that! I know all they way through my being, that I am going to reach my goal, and live a long and happy life because of it! Yay, me!
-Ashleen (1/2 of the Magick Losers) January 28 Nikki's week Jan. 28, 2008Hello. Sorry I didn't post the other day like I said I would. Its been another hectic week. So I lost 2.8 lbs and am only .2 lbs away from where I started in this million pound challenge. This has been another good week for me. I have stayed in my point limit everyday and only used some of my allowence points. I hope everybody has a great week. Hang in there! The outcome is worth it! Love to all, Nikki January 22 Nikki this weekHello everyone. I have been such a slacker this week. Its been a good week for me, but I've been busy with work. So last week I lost 1 lb. Only 3 to go to get to my starting weight for this competition. I weigh in tomorrow and will let you all know my weight. I can't wait to let you all know cuz it has been a great week. No time to junk out. That is a good thing about bringing work home. So I hope you all have a great week and I will let you know tomorrow what my out come is.
Blessed Be,
Nikki January 21 Ashleen's Journal, January 21, 2008I am weak, weak weak weaky weak weak! And I'm crying. And I'm crying because I'm weak. I don't like myself at all right now. I don't know why I binge, but I did.
I came home from work tonight at 3, and I was going to have a sugar free pudding cup, which fits in perfectly with my plan. But the pudding cups had been left out on the stove since before I went to work at 5, and since then Ben cooked a pizza. It is so rediculus, but this seriously dissapointed me! Why after months and months of trying so hard to break the sick, emotional dependancy on food, does it come flying back at me over a sugar free pudding cup? How is it that I can go to my favorite chinese resturant and order the chicken and brocolli and not upset that its not deep-fried almond chicken, but a stupid pudding cup brings me down? I just don't understand.
When I started typing this blog I said I didn't know why I binged. I still don't know the reason I'm emotionally addicted to food, but I do know now why I binged tonight. I was trying to fill the void I felt was left by not being able to eat the pudding cup. So I had 1/4 of Ben's left over pizza, a WW ice cream cone, a WW english toffee bar, and about 1/8 of a bag of potato chips. And really the only reason I stopped was because I didn't want to get up and cook anything.
There is a really big part of me right now that thinks maybe I'm not strong enough for this yet. Maybe I still am not ready to put in the effort its going to take to kill the emotional eating monster. I don't know. I want so badly to be healthy! I am so afraid that if I don't stop this now, I never will, and I'll never be able to raise a healthy happy family. How am I someday supposed to expect my kids to go out and play, when I can't play with them? How can I expect Ben to control his demmons and take care of himself, if I can't do the same?
I don't want to be controlled by food, but I also don't want to have to consciously control food either. I wish I knew how to just be happy and healty without having to think aobut food all the time. I think what a lot of people don't realize is that an eating disorder can be more than starving yourself. A really close friend of mine spent 4 months in an in-patient treatment facillity for anorexia last year, and I've watched how food has just controlled her life. Saturday was her birthday, and we went out to a really expensive resturant to celebrate. I watched as she struggled to figure out her food choices, knowing that she will never be "better" only "recovering." The thing is I was stuggling over my own food choices. While she was desprately trying to figure out how to reach all of the dietary guidelines she needs to consume without actually consuming much, I was trying to figure out how to consume as much food as I could without exceeding my guidelines. I don't want to have to do that forever, but I know I'm going to have to. I'm never going to be able to just eat whatever I want, whenever I want unless I can totally remove the emotional connection food brings me.
I have no idea how to do this!
Tomorrow I weigh-in. I don't even care what the scale says tomorrow. I already know how I feel I've done this week, and its not good. So no matter what the scale says, thats what is going to stick with me. Even if I loose tomorrow, I know its not because I tried, or any victory. I'll know it was a fluke, and I still let myself down. I hate how I feel after I binge, so why do I keep doing it? What do I get from it? Nothing but even further damaged self-esteem. Grr.
Well, I should probably go to bed, so I can get up and get back on track. I know this has been a bummer blog, but it's also feels really good to work through these emotions online. Thanks for taking an intrest in my tears.
-Ashleen (Magick Loser) January 18 Ashleen's Journal, January 17 2008I've been putting off this blog since monday...and I'm not really sure why. Well I don't have much good weight loss news this week, but I'm still surprised that I'm not wanting to talk about it, because every other step of the way, even during the bad weeks, all I've been able to talk about was weight loss.
Anyway, this week I didn't loose anything. Not even an once. But at least I didn't gain.
I think maybe the reason I'm more upset about my weight doing nothing this week than I am when I gain is because I'm afraid I'm getting comfortable. This is NOT a good thing. It took me a really long time to get my mind and heart into weight loss, and I'm afraid of loosing that. I feel so much better than I did 13lbs ago, and I love looking at myself in the mirror again, but I need to keep reminding myself that THIS IS NOT AS GOOD AS I GET!!! I know I didn't try as hard this week, and I know I wasn't thinking "I will splurge right now and get right back on track." What I was thinking was "You've done so well, maybe you don't need to be so strict with yourself." Not a good way to think at this point in the game! So I started tracking again this week. Which is really good. I havn't kept a close track of my points for about 2 months, and I know thats what I need to get me back on track. Plus I've broken so many promises to myself that I'm starting to not trust me anymore. I need to remember that I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing this for Ben who wants to grow old with his wife. I'm doing this for the children to whom I could give so much love. I'm doing this for my dreams. I'm doing this because I HAVE TO. I have made the decision to live a long and happy life, and unless I change gears and get on the right track, then I won't be able to do that. And that would just be another broken promise to myself. Hopefully this week goes better. I am back to trying hard, and I remember whats at risk if I quit. So here's to those who forget their importance: May you always remember that the world does not revolve around or for you, but with you. -Ashleen- Magick Loser
January 10 Nikki's weigh in this weekHelo everyone! So Ashleen had an amazing week and I didn't do so well. I gained a bit this week. 4 lbs. actually. :( As Ashleen said I was bowling this weekend and I had bit too much to drink. A lot to drink! I had a blast though! I bowled like crap and didn't even care! I did learn my lesson though. I won't do that agian. I promise!!!! I hope everyone has a great week! Talk to you soon, Nikki
January 09 Ashleen's Journal, January 8th, 2008I'm going to start this entry off with my awesome weight loss this week. 1.2 lbs from thursday to monday!!! I'm now at 209.8 lbs. I have no idea the last time I was that low! Yay, me!
So other than my awesome weigh in monday, the past few days have been pretty interesting. Saturday night I went out to dinner with my sister and a friend of ours. Nikki was supposed to come too, but she was bowling (which is awesome, because she was being active and I was caving in to cravings...) We tried a new italian resturant in town, and its awesome! I've been really great since I started WW and not had alfredo of any kind, but I decided it was worth it too me this night. I had the most wonderful, buttery, not good for me at all, creamy alfredo w/ peas, mushrooms, bacon and prosciutto. And I washed that down with a glass of wine and followed it with cheesecake... I know, bad Ashleen. BUT I only ate 1/3 of my alfredo, gave 1/3 away to the others at the table, and took the last 1/3 home to Ben. I also shared my cheesecake with my sister. So overall, even though I ordered an insanely rich, fatty meal I still controlled my portions and managed to walk away feeling full, not stuffed and disgusting. I can really see that I've made HUGE steps towards a healthy lifestyle, because just 14 weeks ago, if I had that huge bowl of amazing alfredo in front of me I would have eaten the entire bowl, even though I would start to feel sick, just because I wanted to savor every last drop of it. I even managed to not pick at my plate once I decided I was done and still had to wait for the server to come and offer me a box. For this I am super proud of myself, because I never have a problem pushing the food away, but I do have a problem putting the fork down and keeping it there. I went home from dinner and ended up unexpectedly babysitting a two year old. She actually turned out to be the best behaved two year old I've ever encountered and it was pretty easy. We both ended up crashing during Ratatouille and curled up on the couch and fell asleep untill her mom came to pick her up. So I did end up burning off a few of my alfredo calories... I wonder what my weight loss would have been if I hadn't ordered the alfredo? Honestly, it doesn't really matter to me, because I realize it was a treat and I still lost IN SPITE OF not EVEN WITH that splurge. Last night I had something really interesting happen to me. I got to take my first ambulance ride. It was so embarrassing having my coworker page out the ambulance to come get me at work... What happened was I passed out and hit my head on the floor because somehow I stimulated my vagal nerve and that caused my blood pressure to drop really really fast, and caused me to loose conciousness. I was rushed to the ER and checked out by drs for about 4 hours. It was crazy. But they assure me everything is fine, and its very common to have this happen. And aside from a knot on each side of my head, and a persistant headache, I've fully recovered! I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend, and good luck this week! -Ashleen- Magick Loser January 07 Our GoalsOne thing we havn't done so far is establish our goals on this page. So here they are:
Nikki's Goals:
Weight at the begining of the competition: 217.8 lbs
Goal by the end of the competition 3/11/08: 200 lbs
Personal goal: 155-170 lbs
Ashleen's Goals:
Weight at the begining of the competition: 211 lbs
Goal by the end of the competition 3/11/08: 190 lbs
Personal goal: 114-135 lbs
Team Goals:
Weight at the begining of the competition: 428.8 lbs
Goal by the end of the competition 3/11/08: 390 lbs
Personal goal: 269-305 lbs
There you have it, our weight loss goals. We didn't enter this competition to loose an extreme ammount of weight. We entered the Biggest Loser Million Pound Match-Up to document the weight loss journey we were already on. It's not our final destination, just a stop along the way!
Posted some picturesHey everyone! I posted some (depressing) photos in "Ashleens Photos" for you guys to see what I'm working with. I have to say it was really terrifying thinking about exposing myself like that to the whole world. But I realized that if anyone on the internet understood what it was like, and wouldn't look at the photos and see a nasty mess, it would be you guys! We are all in this together!
-Ashleen |
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